In the early years of our marriage it was great. We both had our work and each other. Two years in I became pregnant with our first child. I was overjoyed! Pregnancy was filled with all day sickness but otherwise normal. Until the 7 & 1/2 month mark. He was impatient and came early. This little human that had grown in me, a redemption from my past was now in the neonatal intensive care unit. Was this my fault for past sins? My mind played horrible tricks on me. Postpartum depression was brutal. It wasn’t that heard of then, if it was no one mentioned it to us. He was a great baby. Most days sleeping and eating while I watched him and cried. This person that would love me unconditionally was perfect, but I wasn’t. What if I messed up? This haunted me.
Time went by and it seemed to ease up. Surprise, baby number two! Many months on bed rest lead my mind to wander. I felt alone and doubting that my lack of maternal instinct and ability to care for two children. Our second child was a complete surprise. I was petrified. Since the first child was over a month early, what would happen with this one? There was months of the repeat performance with all day sickness. Other than that we thought everything was fine.
At 23 weeks our girl had all of us in a panic. The ER nurse grabbed the phone and yelled code blue! The horror that flashed through my mind. A week-long stay on the maternity floor. There was talk of taking her early and putting her in the neonatal intensive care unit with posible major side effects. Could this be happening? On top of all of that, I had a massive kidney infection. God intervened. HE saved us both. I spent the rest of the pregnancy on bed rest. She was on time and beautiful. Our daughter even waited for her Daddy to get from Florida to make her entrance. All seemed right in the world.
Home life was full with a new baby. The baby blues had made it’s arrival again. This time it was even harder. Looking back this was the start of a wedge forming between us. Time went by with job changes and growing babies. We seemed to be just Andy and Amber not Mr. And Mrs. Specht. The communication was less than ever. His job had him on the road for weeks at a time. I seemed to be searching to find myself with 2 kids. I took refuge in my horses and new business.
My career had taken off with lightening speed. The high was fantastic. I had my husband’s praise. All seemed perfect on the surface but I was drowning. It ended just a climatically. I had missed a major goal. The executives advice was to brush it off, pick myself up and get back on track. I was crushed.
The next days were a blur. I choked down fear and tears. Andy had no idea the downward spiral that was about to happen. I wasn’t sleeping. My mind never stopped. I decided that was one thing I could fix. As I fixed supper one night, I ate 2 bottle of sleeping pills. In my head if I could get a good nights sleep, tomorrow would be better. I would figure life out. The plan was derailed. A close friend needed my help that night. My visit to her house ended up with me at the ER. Fast forward, I was involuntary committed to a state facility. They thought I was trying to kill myself when all I wanted to do was sleep. She had to wake my husband to tell him. I can not imagine the shock he was in. Andy came every day to visit. I was mentally lost. After being there ten days I was released.
While there they diagnosed with depression and Bi-polar. I was on medicine that I did not like due to the way it made me feel and the fog it kept me in. The doctor said I would always be on making me feel more hopeless, but my husband refused to accept that.
Coming home was terrifying. I could not function properly. I could sleep because of the medication. Yet it surely had not solved my being lost problem. The year continued on a downward spiral. A chain of events from being evicted, to moving and bankruptcy added to this mess. My medicine had me in a fog. The overwhelming knowledge of this train wreck was all my fault. A new year had come but I still felt alone. I needed a change but did not know how that looked. I still did not talk, with anyone.
Communication and trust were still hard for both of us. A few years went by like this and it opened a door for someone who listened. A much older man who knew all the right things to say stabled a horse where we lived. My daddy issues made falling for an older man easy. By this time I had voluntarily taken myself off my meds and threw my self into a horse rescue. After all, the horses needed me. I had an affair and it devastated more people who I loved, especially the kids.
A month later when I thought I could really get it together to leave him, I ended up checking myself into a facility again. It still had no long-lasting effect on me. I came home afterwards with the same diagnosis and new meds. We thought this was the best idea, yet I had no therapy and was no better. Weeks later I left and was gone for almost a year.
Over the next month’s when I would see Andy he was happy and had peace. I was confused and frustrated by that. My life was a mess. The difference He had pressed into God and I just wanted God to fix me.
Right before the year mark, I broke and submitted myself and confessed my sins to God. On my knees, I pleaded for God to restore our family. He had to change Andy’s heart not me.
Standing on faith of a promise from God that He would restore my family if I obeyed, I came back. I wound up staying with my sister-in-law, my husbands sister. We plugged into some wonderful Bible base marriage counseling. I had Godly woman speaking into me on how to be a Godly wife and mother. Months later we were a family reunited.
This story happened because two people denied flesh and submitted to God’s restoration. My past is dead and I am renewed. By HIS grace our marriage is better than it ever was and the healing & restoration cast all the mental health issues away.